We all want it. We all need it.
They say Jesus has it and He’s enough.
So why does God heal slowly?
Let me tell you a story…
At age five, I accepted Christ. I don’t remember it though, because I had a panic attack shortly thereafter. My first memory is hyperventilating in my room at five years old.
At age seven or eight, God told me to ask my mom for ballet lessons. It was a quiet whisper only my heart could hear, but I’m thankful He spoke. That moment changed the entire course of my life. I started lessons at age ten. It was an especially important extracurricular activity because I received my entire education via homeschooling.
At age fourteen, I attended Ballet Magnificat where God affirmed His anointing on me for dance. But as it often happens, this mountaintop experience was soon followed by a dark season of hurt, anger, bitterness, and depression.
I don’t remember what age I was exactly when I was experienced sexual abuse. While I talk about this some in my testimony podcast, I have an entire episode dedicated to this topic.
By age fifteen or sixteen, I was a dysfunctional mess. I had been so neglected by my father and emotionally abused by my mother, that I had very unhealthy perspectives of God, men, confrontation, and boundaries. While both my parents were Christians trying to do the best they could, we struggled as a family.
I left home the summer I turned seventeen. Ballet boarding school brought its own set of traumas. The culture shock plus a sprained ankle plus mold allergies triggered my self harm and brought on an eating disorder. The hit and run car accident I received didn’t help either. All in all, those were probably the worst two years of my life. I laid in bed at night believing God would one day somehow redeem it.
I changed ballet schools the summer I turned nineteen. Those two years were better, but still very messy. I had no vision or hope for my life and lay in bed at night trying to brainstorm my way out of ballet. I had only one creative idea that made me excited; that idea became Blue Dress.
I spent my twenty first birthday in South Florida. Within two weeks of moving, I found friends. That spring, I filmed Be Free. And shortly thereafter started working full-time in retail simply to pay the bills. While the next few years passed with little to note, I continued to learn and grow. Even with multiple job changes, I saw God provide enough for me to film Shine. 2011 through 2013, I started befriending strangers on social media and began vlogging.
January 2014, I met my future husband on the internet. Ben and I were both on social media for the friendly banter and he joked with the best of them.
Spring of 2016, my friendly liking for Ben grew into a crush of epic proportions. We spent the next few months navigating our feelings for each other while simultaneously my mental health was deteriorating.
We met that Thanksgiving and professed our liking.
We saw each other again in February 2017, and he proposed (the day before Valentine’s because he just couldn’t wait any longer!)
I quit my job at the end of March and moved in with his family on April first.
August 12th, 2017, we got married. It was one of the most beautiful days of my life. Unfortunately, my mental health was still unstable and we spent the first few months just trying to cope.
December 7th, 2017, I started taking custom vitamins via Mensah Medical. The change helped me so much, I soon began dancing and filming again.
February 16th, 2018, I recorded my testimony as a podcast, linked below.
Now thirty-two, I live in greater peace and joy than my childhood self could have ever dreamed of.